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On the Radar – Spectrum Singles

kids-loveFollowing on from “PS Love?

At the start of April 2015 a mum and daughter made the news. This was because they had just started a unique dating site, created solely for people on the spectrum.
Both mum, Kristen Fitzpatrick, and daughter, Olivia Cantu, are on the spectrum. I mean out of all the useless, creepy dating sites that exist in this world, we needed one that made an actual difference. Instead of relying on shows like “The Undateables”, that matchmake for viewing rather than love, these two women took it upon themselves to create a forum for the spectrum rather than adjusting the spectrum to the society’s forums. The anxiety of dating usually stems from one question, “Do I tell them I am on the Spectrum?”. Do you put it in your profile description? Do you categorise it under hobbies? What do you do with that information? The fear of rejection and the social pressure to fit a lifetime into a single profile, for people to judge you can be unbearable. The problem with the Internet is that you can be anyone. It’s not a space that encourages you to be yourself, its a space that encourages you to pretend to be what you think you should be.

Autisticdating.co.uk says “Autistic people have problems in general when trying to communicate, that is why they need special conditions for dating as well. We completely understand that, having spoken with and gotten expert opinions from many social workers and experts on autism, and we have designed a dating site that will make the entire dating experience much easier on autistic people.

Noble.

Point Number One: ‘Autistic people’ are not all the same – no two people on the spectrum are the same. It will make the dating experience easier on a fraction on people on the Spectrum, not all of them. Furthermore, not only does it generalise it also sheds a negative light on Autism by assuming that all people on the spectrum have communication problems. I tried to sign up for this, it wasn’t exclusive; it didn’t ask me if I was on the spectrum; it didn’t ask anything except it told me the website was over capacity. I wonder how long that has been the case.

A very, very similar site, AutismDating.co.uk says “Anyone who is on the Autism spectrum (or their close family members) all start asking the same question sooner or later; that is the question of love. Will I ever find someone to love who loves me? Will I ever meet that special someone? The answer to that question is a resounding “Yes!” especially if you give Autism Dating Service a try…. We have thousands of open-minded women and men from all over the USA and you could be among them, meeting them, setting up dates and exchanging experiences and details of your life with them, even right now”.

Fair.

Point Number Two: You cannot sign up for this site. Much like its twin, AutsimDating.com targets people with Autism as a whole. The use of the word ‘open-minded’ bugs me a bit too, however once you actually sign up there may well be open minded people to meet. Both these sites were developed by people who are not on the spectrum.

Olivia, 18, got the idea because she was tired of being misunderstood by her “non-autistic friends”, as she calls them. She wanted a place “free of the stigma”, free of the anxiety of being on the spectrum.

Spectrum Singles is a dating site for people enhanced-30499-1427990487-9 (1)on the Autism spectrum, created by people on the Autism spectrum.
Unlike other dating sites, it brings together all people on the spectrum for dating or friendships, but it is also unique in that it is able to acknowledge and integrate a person according to their position on the spectrum. The Spectrum Compatibility Test™ narrows down the prospects to match individual spectrum characteristics with a select group of spectrum compatible matches. imagesFor example, one of the options when registering for this site is that it asks whether you are verbal or non-verbal. This innovative test helps bring together, as best it can, people that share certain attributes with whom it would be easier to communicate and build a relationship or friendship. The test is basically 184 questions long and includes questions about social skills, what makes you uncomfortable, sensory sensitivity or deprivation, sexual preference and many other focus points. The algorithm was created by Kristen and Olivia created the questionnaire. How amazing is that? The test gives you a colour which is associated with your answers, likes and dislikes and then you can browse the site and find other members with the same colour.

There is a YouTube channel which is a series of short funny videos on dating, and tips, for people on the spectrum; you can watch it here. Michael McCreary and Olivia Goudreault, are both on the autism spectrum as well. They also have a Facebook group with articles and funny memes for the members; you can browse this here

Spectrum Singles removes the stigma and anxiety of the Spectrum. It’s basically what the world should be – free, no pressure, no stigma, no pity, no fear.

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Seventeen Candles 

IMG_7432Christos got a cake at his school today.

Chocolate for breakfast? YES,  PLEASE (Christos would say ‘se pakano’ – it sort of means ‘please’ in greek).

He feels happy. He knows it’s his day, but doesn’t quite know why. He waits for the song to finish, he blows out candles but only because he knows he’s supposed to and because he gets cake after. He eats cake for breakfast, who would complain? He sees his family, lets them hug him and opens his presents, he doesn’t really know why except for its been happening for the last 17 years, its routine.

But he does know, that on the 6th May 2020 he will be celebrating this day in Disneyland. Happy Birthday Christo my superhero, my extraordinary brother, my cup of tea, my heart.

On this day, think of people you may know that are on the spectrum and see how they are, say hello, even just a smile to someone you think is weird because they are flapping their hands or skipping or too old for the playground. It’s so important to remove the stigma of Autism, it’s so important that more people feel accepted, loved, understood. On this day, that my heart is filled with love for someone with Autism I think of Elspeth McKendrick.

Elspeth, 16, took her own life because she got an Asperger’s diagnosis. Elspeth felt alone, she felt like she had no one to talk to. Elspeth felt that sharing this with friends would stigmatise her. She thought she would be walking around school with a big blue ‘A’ target on her. Elspeth felt judged, overwhelmed and thought the diagnosis would deprive her of all the experiences she would have as a teen. She did not fail to come to terms with a diagnosis of mild autism, society failed her. We failed her. We cannot provide a universal support system for Autism, one of the fastest growing disabilities in the world.

Learn about Autism, please.

On this day, every day, with all my heart I think of Elspeth McKendrick. I think of Maxwell Webb, I think of Josh, Andrew Young, Faruk Ali. I think of of everyone that has felt alone, everyone that has felt like a victim because they felt like they didn’t fit in, i think of all the families out there who struggle every day with every single thing(even things you don’t think about – Socks, Teeth, DVDsRestaurants).

I think of you, my family thinks of you. We know you.

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Christos’ Love

You know how they say children with Autism hate to be touched?
Not true. Some may be overly sensitive to touch, sound, smell. They don’t lack emotion.
Christos hugs, laughs, kisses, cuddles, teases.
Don’t stigmatise the spectrum with stereotyping.

Educate yourselves about Autism.

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The [A] Word: [I]gnorance

Josh, pulled out of Acton swimming baths in London placed face-down by seven officers who restrained him, shackled and handcuffed him.

Andrew Young, killed by Lewis Gill with a single punch in Bournemouth.

Faruk Ali, beaten by two police officers while helping men collect rubbish because he looked suspicious.

Man charged with beating an autistic boy, 16, at a Florida house party.

I can name each and every situation I’ve been in where I could tell that people were afraid of my brother.

Just recently, in August, I took him to our local bakery to get him crisps and iced tea. He got so excited, he stormed in gave me what he wanted and waited for me to get my stuff and pay. He ran up and down, shook his arms, shook his head and made ‘noises’, people stared but we didn’t even notice. Then, as we were waiting in line, I asked him to stand by me and he did; he still shook his head and hands, jumped up and down a bit, gave me hugs and kisses. The cashier then thought she would share that she “..was frightened that he would hurt someone in the shop“. I’m not sure what possessed her to tell me this, maybe she had a death wish; either way it made me want to hit her. Even after all these years, all the insane, unsubstantiated assumptions we’ve heard, my first instinct was to jump over the counter and hurt her; it never goes away. It breaks my heart that people look at him, my gentle, smiling, beautiful brother thinking that he is dangerous. I didn’t respond with “I’m sorry, he’s autistic”, I just explained that he was excited because it was crisps and iced tea day. She went on to speak to him softly and ask him about how his day was, which he completely ignored, but she tried and when we went in there again she remembered his name. It made me think, made me realise that it wasn’t an attack it was a ,misunderstandingautism-children-1-68-001, an ignorant comment made in passing with no harm or insult intended. But when you’ve had people yelling at your brother on the plane to quiet down, throwing him out of supermarkets because he was rearranging chocolates, grabbing children and dragging them away from him, pinching him or touching him just to agitate him and then refuse it and blame it on Autism, when you have teachers threatening to call the police on him – that is your go-to reaction.

When I read stories like the above, I feel the fury of Faruk Ali’s family; I feel the devastation of Andrew’s mother; I feel the paralysing helplessness that Josh’s dad felt; I feel the fear the 16-year old boy felt when he was being dragged across the floor by his hair. I feel it because we have all, at one point or another, been in a situation where our children were victims of ignorant behaviour.

“Control your child”, “What is he doing?”, “Can you stop screaming?”, “Make him stop”, “Is he dangerous?”, “What’s wrong with him?” the list goes on.

Helping with rubbish collection was something he did every Thursday, it was his routine. It probably soothed him in a way, to get rid of rubbish for whatever reason be it cleanliness or to get the off the pavement; it made him happy.  His weekly routine was disrupted by two police officers who decided he seemed suspicious.

Josh, was pinned down, handcuffed and terrified by police in 2008 for “refusing” to leave a swimming pool; he became transfixed with the water, he didn’t want to go. Instead of getting his carers to help the police decided violence was the way to go. Even if he wasn’t on the spectrum, is that the way you want your officers to react to children? His treatment was found inhuman and degrading; “But when they brought him home, he ran upstairs and crouched in a corner, sobbing uncontrollably. He wouldn’t sleep for nights. As a parent, that tears you apart“. It tears me apart, I gasp for air just reading it. It haunts me that this might happen to my brother who loves swimming too, and like a lot of children on the spectrum, he sometimes gets stuck in places, in the movement of the water, the sound of a machine, the feeling of something and has trouble moving on. It gives me nightmares that I might not be there to stand up for him; that even if I am, I probably won’t get to him in time; I probably won’t have the words to explain myself – I’ll just attack.

We are very much aware of the level of fear and ignorance of which the general public is capable of. But we fight so hard, and our kids do too, that when we encounter it, it can turn into a violent defence. Behaving “oddly” or “weirdly” can turn a look into a stare, finger-pointing to an attack and whispering into conspiracy, it can turn a comment into an assault – that’s terrifying for us.

Andrew Young’s mother is someone I thought about for weeks. He had Asperger’s syndrome and was killed by a single punch after pointing out to someone that they shouldn’t cycle on the pavement because it was dangerous. Andrew died because he thought it was important to follow rules; he died because his killer thought he was menacing; he died because we live in a society that encourages violence and ignorance, a society that nurtures subconscious insecurities and a false sense of entitlement and makes our nightmares came true. He was sentenced to 4 1/2 years in prison; message sent?

You think its stating the obvious when we say autistic people behave differently.

We need to say it;

We need to repeat ourselves over and over again because we need it to reach as many people as possible;

We need to make people aware that Autism isn’t a disease;

We need people to learn about it because we don’t have a cure yet;

We need people to understand more about it because you will come across someone on the spectrum sooner or later and it might be our son, our daughter, our brother.

I could keep listing cases. But I think we need to focus on police training, academic training for identifying someone with a disability, or a mental illness; this isn’t a problem just for people with Autism. Authorities need to be sensitive and educated enough to deal with disabled people on a day to day basis. Schools need to educate the society of tomorrow about acceptance; is it that absurd?

Shine light on discrimination against the disabled, institutional racism and the victim-blaming of sexual assaults; not just by police, but by civilians as well. What brighter light to shine than that of education?

We need you.