My 20s were full of love, laughter, crying, drama, fights, loses, wins, deal breakers, trips, transitions, degrees, decisions, heartbreaks, booze, dreams and so much more. Sometimes I wonder what your 20 would have been like if you were neurotypical. I wonder if we would still be a family, how close we would be and if I would worry about you. Would we hang out? Send cards? Meet on special occasions? Would our lives depend on each others?
Probably no. But for better or for worse, our lives are intertwined. We are close, I worry about you, we hang out, send cards and meet on special occasions. All these banal things take a completely different meaning but that meaning is ours – yours and mine.
To be honest, I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at 30 but I know where I’m going. I know where home is. I can make plans and dream big – I’m doing better. I spent my 20s chasing goals and worrying that I didn’t belong to one place or have a home but I’ve realised that anywhere with people is home – I have so many homes and that’s okay. You taught me that. In the last decade you have moved to 7 different homes, changed 3 schools and you were okay.
In my 30s I have all I need and maybe that was the gold I was so desperate to find – not earning enough to support us both or having a high-stakes powerhouse job but being a powerhouse and strong enough to be okay with not being okay, being irresponsible to learn responsibility, being broken to become resourceful and being miserable to appreciating happiness.
My hopes for you are that you are happy where you are, with the people you are with. I hope that when you look at yourself you love you, and that when you don’t you can lean back into our love for you. I hope you continue living your life knowing that there are people around you who know you and can represent you and keep you safe. In return, I promise to be safe so that you always have a voice. I promise to live the life I have at this home away from you and always come home to you – for all the decades in my life and yours and beyond.
Thank you to everyone who has donated to Autism Support Famagusta over the last few weeks. I am aware of some tech issues but even if you were not able to donate, your intentions mean that you can out there instead and spread what you’ve learned like a kind of autism awareness plague.
To donate: http://www.autismsupportfamagusta.com/donate